Josh Mahler: The inconvenient conveniences

Josh Mahler is a Denver-based columnist with a humorous and _________ (insert: “skewed,” “neurotic,” “insecure,” etc. — probably “neurotic,” right? Or is that not even politically correct anymore? He’s not sure) perspective. Read more of his work at JustBeingJosh.com.

WHEN I WAS A KID, Back to the Future, Part II was one of my favorite movies because I loved the idea of living in a world with all of those cool, futuristic gadgets and innovations. From automatic lace-up shoelaces, to 3-D holographic movies, to the crown jewel – hover technology – 2015 could not get here fast enough for me.

And in 2009, I try to keep up the latest and the greatest. I’m on Facebook and YouTube, and I’m a religious Tweeter. My Wife and I use the webcams on our laptops to talk to each other, and I’ve even taught my parents how to text.

But now, 20 years after Future, Part II, I’m not only cautiously reluctant when it comes to technological advancements, I’m becoming borderline afraid of them.

Because, while I love the idea of technology and “progress,” I’m beginning to sense that my feelings are going unreturned.

It’s not that I’m not adept with all of these gadgets and gizmos, it’s that they just don’t want to work for me.

When I went to pick out my newest cell phone, I found one I liked, so I asked the sales clerk whether it had Internet access and all of the fancy add-ons and applications. Sensing a sale, she started raving about how this phone could not only get online but also would let you watch TV shows, shoot laser beams, and control NASA space shuttles around the outer moons of Jupiter as well.

Not interested.

I asked her for a phone that, you know, was just a phone.

Perplexed, she just stood there dazed and muttering, “But it sh-sh-shoots laser b-beams.”

I finally found one that seemed simple enough, and I’ve been relatively happy with it over the past year.

It’s one of those flip phones with number keys on the outside that you can use to text or call people, but then you can flip it open and it has more number and letter keys that you can use to text or call people.

I really don’t use the inside numbers or letters because, well, the same numbers and letters are on the outside, but there’s been a new development this week.

The one key you absolutely need to work on the outside panel is the “OK” button. The OK button is like the King Key because it unlocks the phone so that you can . . . use it. Well, now, naturally, the OK button isn’t working all the time anymore.

Oh, don’t worry, it does work – when it wants to. It can work fine one minute and let me unlock the phone to start a text, and then not work the next minute when I go to press OK to actually send the text.

I have the Terrell Owens of cell phones.

Assuming it was just me, I did a little online research to see whether others were having similar problems. Based on the thousands of responses I found, I’m guessing that the OK button’s not working is the modus operandi of my phone.

And I’m going to go out on a ledge here and guess that my provider is in fact aware of this fun little fact. But where is the money for them in making sure it actually works? They know you will come back to the store and either pay to fix it or pay for a brand new phone.

Brilliant business strategy.

It’s like that bit from comedian Chris Rock in which he questions how we can fly spaceships around the sun but can’t build a car that lasts for more than a couple of years. He goes on to say that with all of the medical advances today, there have to be actual cures for some of the major diseases. But there’s no money in the cure, just in the treatment.

Same thing is true with technology. No money in the fix, just in the maintenance.

But it’s not working on me, baby! I’m not giving them another dime. I will just stay angry and let my frustration with a cell phone OK button slowly drain years off my life.

That will show them.

Oh, and if I don’t make it through the end of this column, it’s because my laptop has decided to shut down.

Yeah, that’s a new game we like to play: Type-As-Fast-As-I-Can-Before-My-Laptop-Quits-Working.

Needless to say, I lose every time.

I know what you’re thinking. Why don’t I just take my laptop somewhere to get it fixed? Good question, and I’d like to think I have a good answer: I did.

This new symptom is a result of getting it fixed.

My Wife keeps telling me to take it back to the store (and I think I probably will have to) but I’m just afraid of getting so angry that I go all Jean Grey on them and summon flames from the heavens down on the store if my laptop doesn’t work properly again – or even worse, develops a new problem.

Well, I’m going to have to wrap this up.

I’m starting to feel my blood pressure rise and numbness in my right arm. Where’s my phone? I might have to dial 911.

That is if the OK button is working.